Time to Think...

There have been days in these last 11-12 months, when I havent known why I have been doing something, or why I have been saying a thing; most of the times those things would be things I feel, in hindsight, I might never do..

But thats something I havent been able to control these days..before that all seemed fine..All emotions were like workstations, and me the Server..I could let them rise, fall, evolve, evaporate..but now its like GONE!!! What goes on in my head, i myself cant control it- only later I can repent on it, or be pleased about it..Its like my subconscious mind has taken over the controls..Ofcourse it does seem dangerous to me, but I dont hv a choice really!! Thinking is something you cant control, and you cant stop..unless you stop yourself!!

Most people here find it funny..that I think so much..and time to time thats an area of joke for them, for others its something to be worried about, or feel sorry of. Not that it upsets me, but yes sometimes I dont like it..Ofcourse no one will like it- when what you need is someone to help you out, and people make comments like "Kitna faltoo domaag lagate ho","Jarurat se jyada dimaag he" etc etc.. but last few days it seems like I am constantly at my boiling point, just need a small charge to pick up flames, and probably this inability to deal with it, and even worse to tell it to someone who can Firstly, understand me, and Secondly help me out with this, has brought me here, a place i had hoped will remain for Good stuff :(

I had long wondered what will suit me best- MBA or a Job..I feel I have reached a bit closer to an answer, from a very different perspective though.. I understand that the best way forward is to keep myself busy, and probably thats what i need a few months from now, what will keep me more busy in anybody's guess- A job can be hectic at times, but a MBA is certainly hectic all those 2 years..And today i just hope i can enter that kind of a life where I dont have a moment for anything or anyone else, because its the time you create for people and things in your life, which then isnt possible to fill up just like that! they dont just create thoughts, but even give you surplus time to do what i hate now- THINK!!

I try and stay positive in my head, and maybe for a few days goneby, I have missed my targets, and missed them spectacularly..It maybe a sign of things to come, and more so I guess I have seen enough signs in the last few days of how better things are(not) going to get..Certainly things are not heading right..I guess God agar aap kisi ko bhejne wale ho to please usse Ship se ya bailgaadi se bhejne ke jagah please Immediate possible flight se bhejo!!! Just closing this page now, hoping I am in a good enough position soon to see it- think "What rubbish"- and delete it soon..

Moments to remember...

Throughout this 10 day trip, things kept happening..Good and bad..some moments that were really worth remembering!!
1.) Trip to Gurdwara Bangla Sahib(was coaxed into going there, by a girl I met in my GIM Interview...was really worth it)


2.) XLRI PMIR GD- This guy next to me who dint let me speak.. Somewhere in between the GD I even gave him a hard stare!! But he dint flinch..he had an airtime of almost 8-9 mins in a 15 mins GD!!! My first question in my interview- Why I dint speak in the GD!!! ;)

3.)XIMB- The panelist here wanted to perhaps screw me in my technicals...he had done that with all those who had come out till then..he asked me 7-8 rapidfire sttyle technical questions- SIMD,MIMD, Boolean Algebra, Pipelining, Paging, Segementation!! Luckily i answered all of them convincingly :) He retorted: "Why the hell r u going for a MBA...do a Mtech.." So much for frustation!!!

4.)VGSOM- my Pi was at its last phase. After a decent lecture on why "not" freshers, i had thought only a miracle could get me in.. I dont know if a miracle came, but something happened that changed the mood in the panel!!! Sehwag had just hit the fastest century by an Indian abt 15 minz ago my interview began..thankfully i was checking scores..and when the topic moved to hobbies and cricket, out came the question..nd even faster was my reply(par bht calmly dia, jaise ki it was obvious)!! He gave a shock expression, then smiled- said how could I knw that!! then some more discussion on cricket, and it ended happily, after all the tragedy in the start!!

5.) I found it a sort of conspiracy that each of my interview dates clashed with one of the Matchdays..there was a match on 6th(XIMB), 8th(IITB) and then even 11th(KGP)..The uneven gaps in the itinerary brought more suspicion. Anyways..

I was virtually kicked out of my hotel on 6th..reason ye ki I wasnt ready to leave my room, and my check out time was over!!! yaar Sehwag maar raha tha!!! :( neither was I ever going to give a penny extra..finally had a huge fight with the manager,and I stormed out, saying Ghatiye log, ghatiya hotel..Must have had some strength in my hatred, the match got abandoned due to rain!!!!

6.) Kharagpur is a weird place..Before it even begins, it ends...and when it ends and you dont understd where you are, you reach IIT.. just a few small shops outside, i cant even call it a town..Its like a locality. Even the hostels were so ill maintained. Certainly my first perception wasnt at all good..

But thats the good thing with bad perceptions. They can only get better. The rest of the campus is quite brilliant. Its probably very sad that the most neglected part of the campus are the hostels, rest seems fine. But if something amazed me the most abt KGP then that was its 1072 metres long Platform..yeah you read it right..1.072 Kms long, and I was destined to get a flavour of it!!! Its very unique in its setup- 4 platforms on 1 platform..1 and 2 on one side while 3 and 4 on the other..

Howrah Hatia Express was to arrive on 4th, so that took me to one corner of the PF. And with 5 minz left, that got changed to 3..God!! So that gave me a 1 KM Ride. And it seemed much more, with all the stuff i had..Guess I did the proverbial.."SADAK NAAPNA" :)

The World against me!!

The mood has got me very political, and philosophical..Equality to all, thats what our constitution says; I believe my Civics wasnt that bad!! And now that I hv come back from a frenzy filled travel, that began or 3rd from Bhopal, to Delhi,then Mumbai and Kharagpur, and then back to ranchi, i realise that equality is a Hate word for me now. i cant remember me being so frustated about anything to such an extent ever before.. As if all those interviews- XLRI,IIT D,B,KGP, XIMB, GIM were not enough a torture for me, it came with a free free gift- a realization that I was not welcome at any of those interviews.

Every experience gave me jitters- as if the panel felt i had wasted up 1 seat, that maybe some 3-4 years "much worthy" work ex guy might have earned, had it not been for a useless me. To make things worse, IIT KGP and XIMB guys even made the point that had I been a work ex then they would have thought better of me!! Really insane..

Really now that I sit at home and reflect upon the last 240 hours or so..I realise how much time, money and efforts I invested into a business- and that hasnt given me any dividends- atleast none that I can fathom now. Just a tiny realization- that at this crisis economy time, the World seems against you-if you are a fresher!!! Too bad..

A Class Act

I dont consider my self to be too good an film analyst. Its an unventured territory for me, and for the first time, i will make my hands dirty. :)

i can remember only 2 movies, in my cinema-filled life, that I have gone on to see the first daty first show. First was Lakshya- a masterpiece I feel, but it bombed at the box office(or atleast failed to get into +ves), and after almost 5 years, the lsit doubled with Delhi-6. Funnily, i feel it might fare the same feat-if not for the reputations the movie carry.

Its as good a movie as i have seen for some time. Brilliant story, brilliant cinematography- and just like rang de basanti- it poses a big question to our social setup. Maybe the outline of the story is tried and tested, the theme used before too..but the way the story carries on, in itself makes it different. Keeps you attached to your seats all the way..

Well Abhisekh Bacchan was quite awesome. Hard to believe he is the same guy whose first movies where Refugee, Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya type stuff, where he seemed totally out of place- and look at him now..He and Akshay probably are the bigggest examples of what hard luck can do to one!!!

And Sonam..well cute as ever...Wonder if i can get a girl like her!!! :)

Satire at its Best..

Ahh...yes..I know making fun of people is not a right thing..I can still remember the faces of my teachers, pretty stern looking: "Never make fun of others!!"..That was something we heard all days, at school and at home. And hence that was what we believed..

As we grew, the concept changed somewhat..Obviously things change as we like it to change, and it changes more so for our own convenience..It became difficult to restrict yourself from a dose of laughter, especially when u had Namunas around you. And there were plenty of them! The new Gyaan: "Laugh at others,only if you can laugh at yourself". Hmm..fair enough..

Laughing at myself has never been too difficult. Laughing at others has hence been easy. Not sure if I have always felt good about it.. But so be it. Atleast I can project myself to be a saint in the case that its not me who starts the fun.. I prefer to join in!!

Well I am reminded of all this since today had a bite of "Still Moving Still Shaking" on NDTV Imagine; was a repeat telecast!! Shekhar Suman was at his imperious best.. I doubt if there is a better comic in India, he is certainly the undisputed king of satire..If anyone had a doubt, look at it..

Maybe Raju can come close, but the thing about Suman is that he is able to maintain a level of decency, and still keep up the tempo. Sure he goes into topics not all would approve of, but not for a moment you feel you should pick up the remote. He has a brilliant timing, and a fantastic speed, that can keep you laughing until you fall on the floor!!..nd a great mimic..maybe he is slightly arrogant in his real life, but the ability to make people laugh is actuaaly god-gifted, and he has done justice to it..First with Movers and Shakers, then the Great Indian Comedy Show..and he was at his best in these 2 hrs..He picked up everyone from politics, sports, MBAs for special treatment..

All the while I was having my dinner,and twice or thrice, i felt I would choke as a result of my guffaw. Thankfully I survived to tell this tale!! It certainly others, who became a source of his laughter, but something tells you that even they may smile at the hilarity of it!! And I loved the "Forward Bloc" part!! Hope I could have his talent..

Life & Cricket...

Why do I love you so much.. why is it that I cant miss a match when I have the raw materials to see it..At times i do not understand. And that time is always the time of introspection. Book in hand, and TV right infront of eyes...each and every IPL match, bang in the middle of exams..Ind Aus series right at semester end..

Why do I open up Cricinfo all day, and just read Mr. Alter and Kanishka Balachandran and George Binoy and dont-know-who-else give a ball by ball report of each match...yes each match..even Zimbabwe v/s Bangladesh!! Does the game actually influence my life,or my love for you stem from how my life is..

Life is so much like a Cricket game..ur family,ur friends are all ur team, ur staff..ur own...all ur problems, challenges are like an opponent constantly in your face..It seemed like when India played Australia a few years ago..No matter what we did, we couldnt win. They were constantly at us, attacking us ruthlessly. There was no where to go, yet you knew you had to move on. It had turned boring for everyone. The leaders and the followers..

And now everything has taken an amazing,if not unbelievable, turnaround..Ones who ruled the roost, are the ones bein pushed to the walls..Doesnt all this sound too familiar??

A life is just a pitch..u r too perform on that, as a batsman or a bowler or as a fielder supporting someone else's role in life..All my life I played on a batting paradise. I cut, I pulled..scored loadz, achieved what I set out to. But it has all changed..Now I play at a pitch that bites, that jumps..thats a minefield..Nothing is easy, every run is at a premium..But the message is clear- Perform or Perish..every good shot i play has gone to a fielder..every good ball I have bowled has beat the bat, sometimes it has taken the edge just to fall tantalisingly close..

A test match..every day u wake up to play a new day of ur life, and everyday u play to make urself stronger and erase the mistakes of past..Some days u will lose, and some days u will win..The result is important, how u play it is even more significant..You suffer blows, u suffer abuses, but something waits ahead..Or as Paulo Coelho put it, ur destiny waits for you somewhere..But you are not in this alone..U need someone..I have stayed put, but my partners have kept falling just to leave me alone to take my life to the winning target. But I am sure i will find someone one who will form that winning partnership with me, to lead to where I belong..Looking for that someone :)

My First Love..

Here it goes all over again..my every trip at home brings me face to face with a part of my life, that I have never been able to ignore..Its not even that I am mad about that, though many feel so. Yes, I count my days at home, I try to set up my stay at home so that we can spend maximum time together..and yes i have even cancelled my ticket just to remain together..But then why does it all change so soon.

Back to Bhopal..nd Shooooooooooooo..alls gone...College, friends, Bike, Mobile- they have really made me part from my first love. I still see you, remember you; though we are not together then. Damn. I guess I am alone there, no one to unite us there. That has took us further apart..

I have a more interests in my life now- my loneliness took me to heights and depths I had never been, and it changed me as a person, changed what I did for you, changed what all I sacrificed for you..Yes I wasnt the same..but u were the first and foremost to me,and will remain that way..No one can take you far from me..No one...

Not even Football. Not even Tennis. For me its just Cricket..

Comeback..

Hey...so many days in oblivion. Lost in my world, and exams and everything..and then a long sleep. And finally I m out of my sleep..nd what wakes me up..??? Well probably the best blog I have seen till date. Best among my friends..or among friends+strangers...whatever.. The fact is it was quite exceptional..

nd it rekindled the blogging talent in me..which in fact was never there. May be it was!! Else why would I create this page..

I am still lost in this GD PI world...its a strange world, unknown people and complicated stuff..Fast changing, loads to learn, and no time to rest..Islie better to sleep, and reach the real world...rest and have fun :)..

Here am I, who doesnt know if I have any desire to do what I had aimed to do..and then there are people who never recognise talents; their brilliance makes me feel soooooooooooooo small... but it suits them, who are humble. Its a brilliant world, and amazing people..met one today!!!

Heartless Heart

Sometimes, rather all the times, I am left to wonder,
If my life has had its share of Lightning and Thunder.
Everytime things tend to fall together,
Theres a force that, over and over leaves a crater..
So many craters, So much Hollow Space,
My search continues.. Is there a Safer place??

The way this heart works is quite funny,
Funny I say, because that’s life biggest irony.
You give your heart to friends as a token
But in the end its left totally broken.
Your hopes, your dreams, everything gets shattered,
With no one in real around you, your life's battered.

In return of a Piece, you get pieces; lost and fallen in time.
There are so many culprits god, but this must be the biggest crime!

Now left to reflect over whats transpired;
All these fights & arguments have left me tired,
Never thought that- to your best friends you cant complain,
Somehow my love and care, don’t eclipse the amount I give pain.
But the pain is here more, that you wont know.
Bcoz i stop there, and you dont look back; Just Go!
Its not my mistake that i cant move on; forget you..
But yeah to your credit that you have; and I know its true
Practical you were, I knew it, So how do I blame you?
But tell me, was it always only bad that i did to you?

This formal informal game continues like ever before,
But I dont have the patience to take it anymore.
Whats good to you, is just “formal” to me;
And maybe I don’t deserve any good, but this is too bad for me.

I did a mistake, the damage may be done,
And I cant turn back time, neither can I run.
I said what I could & you don’t but I know I care,
In the end all this confusion is certainly not fair.
But you must move on, as I’m stuck here
with a hope that you find that place for me again there
as people like you are a countless few,
so I hope you get e’thing in life that’s made for you.

As I look back to pick up the fallen pieces, answer a question;
Is the Broken Heart or the Heartless better???

Tendulkar is the Best!!!

Found this on CricInfo.... really fantastic compilation by Ananth Narayanan.. Great Job Sir..

It establishes Sachin as the best batsmen ever...Do have a look. Its very well done and credible..

Link: Sachin Leads!