It has been a strange few weeks. I have realized a new aspect to myself that I never really noticed before, or maybe never really had to switch on - the ability to fight myself. So rather than feeling low all along, I am experiencing pretty amazing sequences of troughs and crests. I say it is amazing because I really don't understand what triggers the changes. So there are some days when I just wake up feeling bad about myself, and then, click, and everything just suddenly feels good. What I do know is that there isn't a person or a particular thing responsible for this - it's fuelled by something within. I just feel it's an internal defense mechanism which switches itself on when I start going down too deep.
I do wonder if I have a right to be unhappy or depressed. I do realize that I am fortunate - I have a lot of things in my life which some people are never lucky enough to achieve or hold onto. But looking at the other spectrum, there are a significant number of people who have achieved much more than I have and I can never really match that! Then, is it the right way to look at your life? You would always lie somewhere in the middle. So are you supposed to look one side, and feel blessed? Or look the other side and feel miserable? Or, maybe as someone once told me - 'you want to feel miserable all the time, that's what you are'. Was she right?
What I have realized is that it shouldn't be about others. If it is, then you are looking the wrong way. You need to look within - what drives you; or what is it that is holding you back. That's the tough part. This process of self-discovery can be a poisonous one - you end up realizing things about yourself which you might find hard to accept. Once you do, that's when the fight starts. The speck of light in an abyss of darkness!
That speck is sometimes enough. It is all that is needed to get over the darkness (In fact that reminds me, the more episodes of 'Supernatural' I have seen this season, I have wondered if there is actually a "Darkness", and just like we say that 'God is everywhere and within every person', shouldn't the same apply to darkness??? OK, I am drifting off-topic, I know!).
So now that I have seen a positive sign, I think the next target is to identify what triggers these swings. I am hoping that's much easier to figure!
