Time to Think...

There have been days in these last 11-12 months, when I havent known why I have been doing something, or why I have been saying a thing; most of the times those things would be things I feel, in hindsight, I might never do..

But thats something I havent been able to control these days..before that all seemed fine..All emotions were like workstations, and me the Server..I could let them rise, fall, evolve, evaporate..but now its like GONE!!! What goes on in my head, i myself cant control it- only later I can repent on it, or be pleased about it..Its like my subconscious mind has taken over the controls..Ofcourse it does seem dangerous to me, but I dont hv a choice really!! Thinking is something you cant control, and you cant stop..unless you stop yourself!!

Most people here find it funny..that I think so much..and time to time thats an area of joke for them, for others its something to be worried about, or feel sorry of. Not that it upsets me, but yes sometimes I dont like it..Ofcourse no one will like it- when what you need is someone to help you out, and people make comments like "Kitna faltoo domaag lagate ho","Jarurat se jyada dimaag he" etc etc.. but last few days it seems like I am constantly at my boiling point, just need a small charge to pick up flames, and probably this inability to deal with it, and even worse to tell it to someone who can Firstly, understand me, and Secondly help me out with this, has brought me here, a place i had hoped will remain for Good stuff :(

I had long wondered what will suit me best- MBA or a Job..I feel I have reached a bit closer to an answer, from a very different perspective though.. I understand that the best way forward is to keep myself busy, and probably thats what i need a few months from now, what will keep me more busy in anybody's guess- A job can be hectic at times, but a MBA is certainly hectic all those 2 years..And today i just hope i can enter that kind of a life where I dont have a moment for anything or anyone else, because its the time you create for people and things in your life, which then isnt possible to fill up just like that! they dont just create thoughts, but even give you surplus time to do what i hate now- THINK!!

I try and stay positive in my head, and maybe for a few days goneby, I have missed my targets, and missed them spectacularly..It maybe a sign of things to come, and more so I guess I have seen enough signs in the last few days of how better things are(not) going to get..Certainly things are not heading right..I guess God agar aap kisi ko bhejne wale ho to please usse Ship se ya bailgaadi se bhejne ke jagah please Immediate possible flight se bhejo!!! Just closing this page now, hoping I am in a good enough position soon to see it- think "What rubbish"- and delete it soon..

Moments to remember...

Throughout this 10 day trip, things kept happening..Good and bad..some moments that were really worth remembering!!
1.) Trip to Gurdwara Bangla Sahib(was coaxed into going there, by a girl I met in my GIM Interview...was really worth it)


2.) XLRI PMIR GD- This guy next to me who dint let me speak.. Somewhere in between the GD I even gave him a hard stare!! But he dint flinch..he had an airtime of almost 8-9 mins in a 15 mins GD!!! My first question in my interview- Why I dint speak in the GD!!! ;)

3.)XIMB- The panelist here wanted to perhaps screw me in my technicals...he had done that with all those who had come out till then..he asked me 7-8 rapidfire sttyle technical questions- SIMD,MIMD, Boolean Algebra, Pipelining, Paging, Segementation!! Luckily i answered all of them convincingly :) He retorted: "Why the hell r u going for a MBA...do a Mtech.." So much for frustation!!!

4.)VGSOM- my Pi was at its last phase. After a decent lecture on why "not" freshers, i had thought only a miracle could get me in.. I dont know if a miracle came, but something happened that changed the mood in the panel!!! Sehwag had just hit the fastest century by an Indian abt 15 minz ago my interview began..thankfully i was checking scores..and when the topic moved to hobbies and cricket, out came the question..nd even faster was my reply(par bht calmly dia, jaise ki it was obvious)!! He gave a shock expression, then smiled- said how could I knw that!! then some more discussion on cricket, and it ended happily, after all the tragedy in the start!!

5.) I found it a sort of conspiracy that each of my interview dates clashed with one of the Matchdays..there was a match on 6th(XIMB), 8th(IITB) and then even 11th(KGP)..The uneven gaps in the itinerary brought more suspicion. Anyways..

I was virtually kicked out of my hotel on 6th..reason ye ki I wasnt ready to leave my room, and my check out time was over!!! yaar Sehwag maar raha tha!!! :( neither was I ever going to give a penny extra..finally had a huge fight with the manager,and I stormed out, saying Ghatiye log, ghatiya hotel..Must have had some strength in my hatred, the match got abandoned due to rain!!!!

6.) Kharagpur is a weird place..Before it even begins, it ends...and when it ends and you dont understd where you are, you reach IIT.. just a few small shops outside, i cant even call it a town..Its like a locality. Even the hostels were so ill maintained. Certainly my first perception wasnt at all good..

But thats the good thing with bad perceptions. They can only get better. The rest of the campus is quite brilliant. Its probably very sad that the most neglected part of the campus are the hostels, rest seems fine. But if something amazed me the most abt KGP then that was its 1072 metres long Platform..yeah you read it right..1.072 Kms long, and I was destined to get a flavour of it!!! Its very unique in its setup- 4 platforms on 1 platform..1 and 2 on one side while 3 and 4 on the other..

Howrah Hatia Express was to arrive on 4th, so that took me to one corner of the PF. And with 5 minz left, that got changed to 3..God!! So that gave me a 1 KM Ride. And it seemed much more, with all the stuff i had..Guess I did the proverbial.."SADAK NAAPNA" :)

The World against me!!

The mood has got me very political, and philosophical..Equality to all, thats what our constitution says; I believe my Civics wasnt that bad!! And now that I hv come back from a frenzy filled travel, that began or 3rd from Bhopal, to Delhi,then Mumbai and Kharagpur, and then back to ranchi, i realise that equality is a Hate word for me now. i cant remember me being so frustated about anything to such an extent ever before.. As if all those interviews- XLRI,IIT D,B,KGP, XIMB, GIM were not enough a torture for me, it came with a free free gift- a realization that I was not welcome at any of those interviews.

Every experience gave me jitters- as if the panel felt i had wasted up 1 seat, that maybe some 3-4 years "much worthy" work ex guy might have earned, had it not been for a useless me. To make things worse, IIT KGP and XIMB guys even made the point that had I been a work ex then they would have thought better of me!! Really insane..

Really now that I sit at home and reflect upon the last 240 hours or so..I realise how much time, money and efforts I invested into a business- and that hasnt given me any dividends- atleast none that I can fathom now. Just a tiny realization- that at this crisis economy time, the World seems against you-if you are a fresher!!! Too bad..