A way of LIFE?

I often get blamed for not trying enough to change my life. For not trying enough to be happy. For them, all I can say is being happy is never the same as looking happy. Maybe even in the past, I never looked happy to the people around me- I always had a pretty serious demeanor. But I did feel happy. In any case, happiness is just a state of mind. Yes, if that happiness gets radiant enough to make everyone around you happy too, then that's a blessing. Unfortunately, I wasn't blessed enough! Not in that sense at least.

Over the last few years, it has become easier to reach that 'state of mind'. When people aren't the solution, you look for answers elsewhere. I guess that's human nature to work out a solution no matter what. So, I have found peace in cricket, in books, TV Series and music. These are stuff which will never really go away, would they? But each one of them is pretty materialistic, and there would be times these things just aren't enough.

There is one such time- the time of hollowness. It feels I have been living there the last few years. How do you come out of a hole that's so deep that no ropes or help can reach? You know to climb out of depths which are far lesser, but this one you have no experience with. You are living. and doing well, but the fact is you know you are miles and miles away from where you need to be. The surface. And it takes you back to the thoughts of the one who pushed you there, who could have lent a hand and pulled you up, but preferred to push you down further and further inside. Do you blame her? May be not. She did what was the best for her. That sadly was the worst for you.

Maybe it really wouldn't matter. With time, I have found peace with this hollowness. And maybe with time, I will back to the surface again. Till then, there is the cricket, and the TV Series. Hope the happiness lasts!

Second Time Around

A friend once told me, "It's easy to fall in love the first time. It's even easier to fall in love a second time. The tough part lies somewhere in between the two!" I know where he is coming from.

Being in love is wonderful. It's beautiful. It's a house of cards. Someday it will come crashing down. Unless you are in a dream, like an Inception. You look at those cards, you repent for a while. Then you start piling them over again. It falls down again, you imagine the house you had earlier. Miss it. Finally, certainly, you do create it again. But it doesn't look the same- does it? But you work with it, nonetheless.

Not that the cards don't talk to you. Some cards just look at you with disdain. They obviously don't like you messing with them consistently. Others don't really care, but still mutter something under their breath- "Move on, dude", "Get a Life", "Suck it up", "Best phase of your life, Enjoy it!", "Ladkiyaan bus ki tarah he, ek jaayegi, agli aayegi". You nod you head. You don't believe it!

There are a few cards, the dominating ones - "Abe Idiot he tu, bhul ja use". Now you certainly don't like yourself being called that. So, you ignore them. And then there's the more loving ones, caring cards- "Abe kamini he wo, bhul ja use". Something you wouldn't like either, if you are still in love.

You wish you had a bloated ego, the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger. So that you actually felt angry. But you can't. You love her, not hate her. So you tell the cards- it's tough to be convinced, when you can neither hate yourself, nor her.. Finally the new house of cards is ready. But the cards look creased, bent.

Of course we move on. That's what life's about. But the baggage stays. It might not be heavy, but it's indispensable. Try and try, but you won't get rid of it! You walk with so much baggage, it just slows you down. You needn't even look back; you already know what's there. That's the tough part I think my friend was talking about.