There have been days in these last 11-12 months, when I havent known why I have been doing something, or why I have been saying a thing; most of the times those things would be things I feel, in hindsight, I might never do..
But thats something I havent been able to control these days..before that all seemed fine..All emotions were like workstations, and me the Server..I could let them rise, fall, evolve, evaporate..but now its like GONE!!! What goes on in my head, i myself cant control it- only later I can repent on it, or be pleased about it..Its like my subconscious mind has taken over the controls..Ofcourse it does seem dangerous to me, but I dont hv a choice really!! Thinking is something you cant control, and you cant stop..unless you stop yourself!!
Most people here find it funny..that I think so much..and time to time thats an area of joke for them, for others its something to be worried about, or feel sorry of. Not that it upsets me, but yes sometimes I dont like it..Ofcourse no one will like it- when what you need is someone to help you out, and people make comments like "Kitna faltoo domaag lagate ho","Jarurat se jyada dimaag he" etc etc.. but last few days it seems like I am constantly at my boiling point, just need a small charge to pick up flames, and probably this inability to deal with it, and even worse to tell it to someone who can Firstly, understand me, and Secondly help me out with this, has brought me here, a place i had hoped will remain for Good stuff :(
I had long wondered what will suit me best- MBA or a Job..I feel I have reached a bit closer to an answer, from a very different perspective though.. I understand that the best way forward is to keep myself busy, and probably thats what i need a few months from now, what will keep me more busy in anybody's guess- A job can be hectic at times, but a MBA is certainly hectic all those 2 years..And today i just hope i can enter that kind of a life where I dont have a moment for anything or anyone else, because its the time you create for people and things in your life, which then isnt possible to fill up just like that! they dont just create thoughts, but even give you surplus time to do what i hate now- THINK!!
I try and stay positive in my head, and maybe for a few days goneby, I have missed my targets, and missed them spectacularly..It maybe a sign of things to come, and more so I guess I have seen enough signs in the last few days of how better things are(not) going to get..Certainly things are not heading right..I guess God agar aap kisi ko bhejne wale ho to please usse Ship se ya bailgaadi se bhejne ke jagah please Immediate possible flight se bhejo!!! Just closing this page now, hoping I am in a good enough position soon to see it- think "What rubbish"- and delete it soon..
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