The wait...

Hmm..I am back, and probably to disappear soon again. Just jot down a poem today in a lecture, so thought of sharing. For those who dislike the "senti" me, your dislike might just grow further!!!

At fault am I, that I let you move in,
That easy for anyone else it had never been.
Rendered clueless with what this mind was thinking;
Or perhaps on some hope this heart was clinging.

A door sealed forever- its key you got,
You chose to enter it,guess you should have not.
There was no exit; and you promised to stay,
after all things always happened your way.

The nights rolled by, things got rosier
with you around, it felt always safer.

But good things seldom last, what a shame!
Just when my life settled, the hurricane came.
Blowing everything apart, it took you away,
and you too moved on, when you could have chosen to stay.

And that key's lost, the door's left ajar,
Waiting for your return, hoping you haven't gone too far...

This Is Going To Hurt Just A Little Bit

My condition reminds me of this Class 9 Poem by Ogden Nash :)

One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hopen.

Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.
It is hard to be self-possessed
With your jaw digging into your chest.

So hard to retain your calm
When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm;

So hard to give your usual effect of cheery benignity
When you know your position is one of the two or three in life most lacking in dignity.

And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on.
And it is all cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn’t a nerve in your head thatyou aren’t being irked on.

Oh, some people are unfortunate enough to be strung up by thumbs.
And others have things done to their gums,
And your teeth are supposed to be being polished,
But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.

And the circumstance that adds most to your terror
Is that it’s all done with a mirror,
Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, only they were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,
But all the same how can you be sure when he takes his crowbar in one hand and mirror in the other he won’t get mixed up, the way you do when you try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forget that left is right and vice versa?

And then at last he says That will be all; but it isn’t because he then coats your mouth from cellar to roof
With something that I suspect is generally used to put a shine on a horse’s hoof.

And you totter to your feet and think. Well it’s all over now and afterall it was only this once.
And he says come back in three monce.

And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest,
That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition
when the chief reason he wants his teeth in good condition
is so that he won’t have to go to the dentist.

Testing Times...

Even with my obvious dislike for emotional outbursts these days, I can't avoid sharing a few sentiments of mine on this blog. So that explains my return here.

I am a bit lost for explanation these days. What else can you expect when your biggest strength becomes your biggest worry? When something you pride yourself on, makes you question yourself every day? Probably, it leads to a lot of self-doubt, which is what I am going through.

I haven't felt this helpless for a very long time. And not a surprise that love causes this. It is something that has made me do things I had thought I would never do. Well, a few good, and the rest bad. I have never ever been forced into this, always been my choice, and now that it hurts, I can't even blame anyone else. That's the tough part of it!!! You are responsible for your own decisions.

All it seems like is, I had the choice of two roads to take a couple of years back, and I chose one of them, and now I have come so far on it, that I can only move ahead... It reminds of the Mario game I played in my younger days, where you entered a wrong tunnel and then you just kept walking on and on. The game kept running and nothing happened, and the only option one had was to restart the game. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with that Restart button, and so I walk on and on.

It is kind of funny. After hundreds and thousands of conversations, lots of advices and pulling just about every thread in my brain, I still stand undecided about the outcomes. Probably,You want to wait, but the wait is made tougher for you. And then when you think the wait is too hard, and think you must move on, you find it is just not possible. Though the person you know has given you so many reasons so that you hate her, but you know she is not the person you had known. The situation and the factors have made her the way you never knew her to be. Now, has she really changed? Or can she still be the one you think her to be? That, as everything else, remains unanswered.

In a world where relationships fail as often as they are made, I can’t even find a precedent where things have went this way, and hence it’s just the more difficult. But then, when you can’t avoid it, then better accept it. And that’s what I am trying to do.

IPL is here to Stay...

Let me set it right. I love the IPL, and I pity those who dislike the idea of it, for they have, and are, missing the infant stages of a league that is going to revolutionize the world. That is, if it already hadn't!! I really don't know what happened when EPL started- I am as aware of its history, as much I am aware of what goes on in a POM-2 class!!! But all I remember is I watched Football in bits and pieces in my younger days- the first match I remember seeing was some JCT Phagwara and Mohammedan Sporting Club Final, almost 12-13 years ago, that went into sudden death and finished 8-7 or something like that. It was a stunning match, and that brought me to the FIFA World Cup. Then came the real stuff- I was awed with that wonder kid- Michael Owen!! Then Zidane happened!! And some more research later, Liverpool came into the sporting equations of mine, and thus my love for EPL was born. I never really pursued it a lot further, partly because I was pissed off with our cable operators not showing ESPN, Star Sports. But I still love the game. A lot like this happened with F1 too, where Kimi Raikkonen was the effect. Mark my words- IPL will do that to kids over the world soon.

It is like seeing a kid grow. I know Lalit Modi went on and on about some life growth models- but what I am talking about is the strides this league has made. Those who have followed it will realize that. Not just the marketing aspect, but a domestic league happening in South Africa- well that's something really I couldn't have imagined. An English Premier League happening elsewhere will generate huge viewership, but that can't be said about every football league in this world. But IPL did it, in its second year(even with those stupid time-outs). You can now see teams getting to gel together better, and as they play more together, I really believe it will get better. In some years, IPL might even be played all round the year, in a format similar to the EPL..

We have already seen countries coming up, and doing well in the next divisions. A very few of you would know that there is even a Division 6, from which Nepal qualified this year. There are more Divisions too, and at least 50 countries play these games. There is a huge mismatch, but then that is there in all sorts of games. Probably, cricket shows up the magnitude of that mismatch because of its nature, but over the shorter periods of this game, you never know what may happen. A guy like Rizwan Cheema, or Davidson, can finish the match on his own. Imagine just one guy like Yusuf Pathan being on the other side - you need to fear that team all the time.

With the game going global, we need more of leagues in order to promote domestic talents, not specifically in India, but elsewhere. IPL might just fill up the purses, but as its examples get followed elsewhere, those countries might just unearth special talents. One I can think of, is Steven Smith, a really good leg-spinner.

One can hate the film stars, one can hate the time-outs. You can be irritated to the helm with those mid over advertisements- but any true cricket lover would accept that you can't hate the IPL. But again, it's my blog, and it's my views. Your views are welcome. :)

Blog-Less..

Where do I start? And where do I end?? Acha, leave all that, what all do I write? Some questions that eat me up every time I step onto this blog. I love writing, as all my friends would know, but I really don't get things to write upon. Either I am too lost these days to focus onto something, or I actually have a non-blogging events filled life.. I hate being emotional, but thats when I like to write most, but then thats actually not what I am, so then I shouldn't be writing it.. Right? Confusing? Probably yes..

Its Holi time in a few hours, and right across my window, I see the full moon.. Quite stunning actually. Reminds me of all those nights of promises, that, well never really were kept.. And its so long back, but still times seems to have stalled since then. Though as far as life here goes, it has been running at a breakneck speed. There's something or the other to do almost always, and days of chilling are only days like these, some festival or some major event. Amm... Not the exact concept of work hard and party hard, since I do neither!!!.. But still a kind of life you curse on days, and then there are days when you cant have enough of it. That's the relationship I have shared with MBA throughout- a love-hate one.

As this year ends for me, I feel I could have done much more here. Some of it is my fault, some of it is the fault of the process I am part of, where your ability is judged by the words you can speak in a 10-15 minute interview, rather than your actions. But then, I guess it is the same everywhere, from our Kindergarten days to the XAT days. Talk and talk.. call it gyaan, call it golbal, or call it Gas.. Thats the way to do it best..I am trying to get out of this grave that I have dug up these days, but till now it has been futile. Let's see how long my attempts last!!! I know I can lose it very early!

That is obviously one big chunk of my life- XLRI.. but I am living 2 different lives inside. Balancing it out, one is too fast, the other is too slow. One doesn't allows me to think, and the other doesn't want me to think. It is like batting on a pitch, where some balls keep low, while other just fly by your nose. You never know whether to come forward, or go back. So much the same here- move ahead or go back? Well I am doing what the purists would advice- just fight it out. Sehwagology might want me to hit out, but then I can't play like that!!

And look, i know the post has gone nowhere- it has just moved here and there, and come back to its old place. No value addition perhaps. But that's what I said- I can't think of anything worthwhile to write. The pains of a Non-Blogger...

Sachin- a God forever..

On a day when the master reached the mercurial figure of 200, the first in 2961 ODIs, some sort of manic celebrations were pretty much expected. Not that I have not seen it before. I saw it after the "Sandstorm" innings, the 98 in Centurion in 2003 WC, the CB Series 1st final century (which as I read today, was his 1st century in a winning chase after 2001!!!) and many many more.. So as the famous hands went up in the air (again that is another change- earlier the bat was raised to the stadium, now he generally raises both arms!!!), I was very much prepared for the deafening noise. The celebrations will go into the night, I am sure ;-) They have been going all evening, with the "Sachin Puja" just finished now.

For long, it has hurt so many people in this country that India had the ignominy of facing the brunt of Saeed Anwar's 194, and no doubt each one of us has wished that some day this stain, if I may call it, finally leaves us. It did actually, about an year ago, when a little known Charles Coventry put his name at the top of the list by staying unbeaten at that same 194. It was an innings that I saw, and had it not been for an extreme shortage of strike in the final overs, he would certainly have touched the 200 mark. Anyways, there are no places for ifs and buts in cricket. Still, I don't blame the guys who didn't know about this record, since the major reason we all know of the "194" is, because India was on the receiving side..

Anyways, whether aware or not, Pakistan or Zimbabwe, Anwar or Coventry, finally the record is ours. And certainly it's a time to rejoice. Since evening, most Gtalk status messages, Facebook updates and almost everything hails Sachin as God. But were not those 92 centuries the deeds of this God.. Wasn't that Chennai special an divine act? The fact is Sachin has always been at that point, but people fail to acknowledge that. People talk about statistics and how Sachin doesn't win matches, but today it again came down to that one figure of 200. There can be comparisons to Ponting or Lara, but just by his sheer longevity and consistency, Sachin would stand miles ahead. Ponting, his closest contemporary, has had an amazing 3-4 years, no doubt. But he has faded in the last 2 years. He may rise again, but the competition has certainly died out.

Even more mocking is the fact that many of these followers would start cursing Sachin as soon as he starts failing. What kind of a faith will that be on your God? How many did actually celebrate the innings of 175, albeit in a losing cause, but in my opinion, an innings of much more substance, in much tougher conditions and certainly among the best he has played. The 200 today was special, but even with the 140 strike rate, it wasn't a destructive innings, a very sedate and chanceless one, and the ones that we can so easily associate Sachin with nowadays.

As a child, I have known cricket since I have known the master. The 1996 World Cup was truly Sachin's event, and since that day he has been a role model for almost everything in life. He hardly gets into any controversy, and is among the most humble guys playing today, and his commitment to the country goes without question. There was a time when he burdened the expectations of this country on his shoulders alone. Probably that time has passed now, and so many would have wished that we could see the Sachin of old, in this era. I have idolized this man since those days, and for me, and many like me, Sachin has been a God since that time.

This day belongs to us, who have loved this man through all the highs and lows. It belongs to the true Sachin fan, to whom he has always been a God.

Sachin @20

"At the fall of the second wicket, that familiar traitorous roar goes round the stadium, at which point Tendulkar walks his slow walk out, golden in the sun, bat tucked under the elbow. The gloves he will only begin to wear when he approaches the infield, to busy himself against distraction from the opposition. Before Tendulkar has even taken guard, you know that his quest is equilibrium."

I am a small drop in the huge ocean of Sachin's fans. But those who know me well, would know that he is the one who gives me happiness beyond anything else in this world. When I feel down, when I feel lost, I always turn to Cricket. And if that doesnt help, then I turn to the Little Master. I have known Sachin Tendulkar, since the time i have known Cricket, and its tough imagining how life would be without him. people have loved him, hated him, but I have just adored him, worshipped him, not just for the player he is, but more for the person he is. Even with so much publicity, you could hardly hear Sachin getting into any controversy, leaving aside the Ferrari case. That makes him stand in a league of his own, where he has handled so much so easily, without ever complaining. And still, its Sachin who everyone focusses on, even after 2o years.

So at this occasion of Sachin's 20 years in International Cricket, I will just pick up a few memorable lines about this man...Thanks to Cricinfo for these:

"Memory obscures telling details in the dizzying rise thereafter. Everybody remembers the 326 not out in the 664-run gig with Kambli. Few remember the 346 not out in the following game, the trophy final. Everyone knows the centuries on debut in the Ranji Trophy and Irani Trophy at 15 and 16. Few know that he got them in the face of a collapse in the first instance and virtually out of partners in the second. Everyone knows his nose was bloodied by Waqar Younis in that first Test series, upon which he waved away assistance. Few remember that he struck the next ball for four."

"If the strokes are flowing, spectators feel something beyond pleasure. They feel something like gratitude. The silence that greets his dismissal is about the loudest sound in sport. With Tendulkar the discussion is not how he got out, but why. Susceptible to left-arm spin? To the inswinger? To the big occasion? The issue is not about whether it was good or not, but where does it rank? A Tendulkar innings is never over when it is over. It is simply a basis for negotiation. He might be behind headphones or helmet, but outside people are talking, shouting, fighting, conceding, bargaining, waiting. He is a national habit."

"Given conditions, given his fitness, his state of mind, he might put away a certain shot altogether, and one thinks it is a part of his game that has died, till he pulls it out again when the time is right, sometimes years afterwards. Let alone a career, in the space of a single session he can, according to the state of the rough or the wind or the rhythm of a particular bowler, go from predatorial to dead bat or vice versa."

Scraped Through..

Hmm...So..I am done with my first term here. I have mixed feelings about my life here; well,who wouldn't considering the mad schedule here. At times all we could do was laugh at our helplessness at the lack of time..80 pages to read, 1 hour to go. 4 questions to answer, 1 hour left to get a printout..Blah Blah..

Then loads and loads of PPTs..We might have made around 25-30(????) alone in this term!! Add to that the PPTs done in class, and I guess half my life @XL has gone this term dealing with PowerPoint.. But to add to that, our V Brand did make a name for itself this term, especially in "Corporate..(blah blah)..Responsibility" (I couldn't fit the name of this course in my end term answer sheet ;)).. I don't know how many would have actually liked our experiments with Role Plays, and Acts, but then I can bet my life that we were certainly the most creative group when it came to the mundane task of telling the class what they already knew..

The idea of different groups for different courses didn't really go too well with me initially, as it turned out, those were the only people I got to know well enough!! Oh yes..Still a few in the class with whom I haven't talked much, and 1 term is over!! In my defense- the same applies to them as well!!

As Sengo puts it: "The only good thing about this term is that ITS FINALLY OVER.."..it began so brilliantly with a near MAX score in QT...Aah..I saw so many dreams then, top ranks, scholarships, A+ grades- it turned into a nightmare soon. For the rest of the term I couldn't even add up half of what I got the first time :P

Then there was our "Managerial Economics"..God knows whats managerial in that..Anyways, I couldn't get a hang of it initially, bombed in the first quiz, got raped in the second (which brings me to one famous quote- "You don't get raped in XL, you get Kakani-ed and Gango-ed"..For the unenlightened, these are two of our professors!!)..getting out of quotes and all, and getting into Market forces, and Game Theory, as I stand now, Economics has been my strongest subject this term, and BELIEVE me, that is not saying much :(

The Show-Stealer though has been BFA...Basic Financial Accounting..Seems to be the most innocuous of subjects initially; but it has drowned many..We got our grades a couple of days ago, as many as about 55% of the Batch has below "B" Grades. More significant was the fact that the cutoffs came down drastically!! When its KILLER QUIZ was held on 24th, these were a few of the GTalk status lines(Plagiarism intended..Thanks to Varun :)): Find it here.
Vinayak Mehta : Et tu, Sengo!
Aditi Shukla : Last rays of hope are gone.
Vidisha Vijay : From one disaster to another
Avinash Mehra : BFA is BewaFA
Marshal Sonavane : Phir BewaFAi
Meet Kachchy : CFA to pass ho gaya, BFA ka pata nahi!
Sandeep Somisetty : 2 out of 30 in bfa quiz 2..now 30 on 45 needed..tuffer than eco now..
Shifa Shalini Tirkey : helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
Abha Inamdar : Even Ganpati Bappa has given up on me
Abha Inamdar : Ay kaash ki hum hosh mein aa paaye!
Shubham Singhal : I see a distant C,,which i cannot cross coz I dont know how to swim
Ruchika Sinha : Passing accounting suddenly has begun to look like a herculean task !!!
Pathikrit Basu : The Horror!! The horror!!
Rajkamal Roka : screwed up ...top to bottom
Sakyabrata Dutta : BFA is fast approaching the point of no recovery.
Varun Gupta : Gango na karey Sengo Ne Woh Kaam Kiya Hai!

As it is...when all was done, and the grades were out, I PASSED, Just, but I did!!! So after the Battle, Plassey returned home!!!!

Sea of Change...

26.06.2009

Right..so its 8 days for me since I am here..HERE- well what this small word signifies really has a big big impact to make on my life. Perhaps its still making something, but I still don’t think it to be something extraordinary; but yeah in the long run I know this phase is the critical one..
XLRI-its actually a dream to be here, and not just because of its reputation as one of the best B Schools. Theres actually another aspect of my story that’s worth mentioning. I will try not being critical in my tone regarding anything, just to add up. The kind of gulf between my present life and the one I was living till a few days ago, is actually the cause of my dreams.
My school life was a very decent one,if not good. Not very highly rated, but my institute really gave me all the necessary stuff you need,to create a strong enough base. And then my college. I never really gave much of a thought to the lack of facilities or the lack of infrastructure – the fact that most of the systems even lacked a working OS, or that most rooms dint have fans or tubes in order, and loads of similar stuff. But its pointless, since actually we never really felt the need for it. We managed like we should have done- occasionally cribbing, but getting the job done finally. I am proud about my graduation, because I know I had to work mostly on my own..
Par ab I am here, and I wonder where was I all life. From where do I start???? Such a clean beautiful campus with lawns, and trees, and plants cut into human shapes!!! Or even the hostel- quite well managed..Though many feel it can be better,and no doubt they are right, but I still feel its good enough!! And then the things that have really left me awestruck, at least for now..Dont mind if I sound like a real “Gaawwala” to you..But considering whats behind, this really deserves all this. Haan so those stuffs are our Classes and the Library..Classes pretty much the same like you can expect in institutes of this class- but just the feel you get sitting in a class like this is totally different- My past here seems to be a blessing in disguise that these classes really give me that kick that you need here…
Library- just the other day in that class presentation, they said the cost of Books and Journals alone..i repeat Books and Journals alone..is approx. 1.8 crores..1.8 crores..Right??? My first response was, ofcourse internally, “u got to be kidding me”..But then they showed us the list of books, and it seemed somewhat plausible. I wonder how much our College library cost!!! :P And its open 24 hours a day, and you can sit there on Wi Fi all day, and take any book and read it..Things I could never do before..So I m just enjoying this new lease of life.. Enjoying the fact that life has given me a chance to earn back all that I missed. Or atleast most of it. Like exclude Sports.. something I love so much, but last 4 years I have not really grown in any sports, and now don’t have the time to start from scratch. Par yeah, atleast the opportunities are there!!
Yeah theres a lot of workload, and it will increase as we move further into our term. But for now, I am just enjoying this sea of change!!!

P.S. On 27th, I issued a book from our Library. It was a week long arrival- Harry Potter- The Story of a Global Business Phenomenon. I am still to read it, lifes so hectic. But the funny thing is that leaving aside the course reading books, this was my first "real" issue in 6 yrs..right after class 10. I guess I have missed up on a fair bit of part, that you wont have, but I will make up now!!

Time to Think...

There have been days in these last 11-12 months, when I havent known why I have been doing something, or why I have been saying a thing; most of the times those things would be things I feel, in hindsight, I might never do..

But thats something I havent been able to control these days..before that all seemed fine..All emotions were like workstations, and me the Server..I could let them rise, fall, evolve, evaporate..but now its like GONE!!! What goes on in my head, i myself cant control it- only later I can repent on it, or be pleased about it..Its like my subconscious mind has taken over the controls..Ofcourse it does seem dangerous to me, but I dont hv a choice really!! Thinking is something you cant control, and you cant stop..unless you stop yourself!!

Most people here find it funny..that I think so much..and time to time thats an area of joke for them, for others its something to be worried about, or feel sorry of. Not that it upsets me, but yes sometimes I dont like it..Ofcourse no one will like it- when what you need is someone to help you out, and people make comments like "Kitna faltoo domaag lagate ho","Jarurat se jyada dimaag he" etc etc.. but last few days it seems like I am constantly at my boiling point, just need a small charge to pick up flames, and probably this inability to deal with it, and even worse to tell it to someone who can Firstly, understand me, and Secondly help me out with this, has brought me here, a place i had hoped will remain for Good stuff :(

I had long wondered what will suit me best- MBA or a Job..I feel I have reached a bit closer to an answer, from a very different perspective though.. I understand that the best way forward is to keep myself busy, and probably thats what i need a few months from now, what will keep me more busy in anybody's guess- A job can be hectic at times, but a MBA is certainly hectic all those 2 years..And today i just hope i can enter that kind of a life where I dont have a moment for anything or anyone else, because its the time you create for people and things in your life, which then isnt possible to fill up just like that! they dont just create thoughts, but even give you surplus time to do what i hate now- THINK!!

I try and stay positive in my head, and maybe for a few days goneby, I have missed my targets, and missed them spectacularly..It maybe a sign of things to come, and more so I guess I have seen enough signs in the last few days of how better things are(not) going to get..Certainly things are not heading right..I guess God agar aap kisi ko bhejne wale ho to please usse Ship se ya bailgaadi se bhejne ke jagah please Immediate possible flight se bhejo!!! Just closing this page now, hoping I am in a good enough position soon to see it- think "What rubbish"- and delete it soon..