The Light? Or the Darkness?

It has been a strange few weeks. I have realized a new aspect to myself that I never really noticed before, or maybe never really had to switch on - the ability to fight myself. So rather than feeling low all along, I am experiencing pretty amazing sequences of troughs and crests. I say it is amazing because I really don't understand what triggers the changes. So there are some days when I just wake up feeling bad about myself, and then, click, and everything just suddenly feels good. What I do know is that there isn't a person or a particular thing responsible for this - it's fuelled by something within. I just feel it's an internal defense mechanism which switches itself on when I start going down too deep.

I do wonder if I have a right to be unhappy or depressed. I do realize that I am fortunate - I have a lot of things in my life which some people are never lucky enough to achieve or hold onto. But looking at the other spectrum, there are a significant number of people who have achieved much more than I have and I can never really match that! Then, is it the right way to look at your life? You would always lie somewhere in the middle. So are you supposed to look one side, and feel blessed? Or look the other side and feel miserable? Or, maybe as someone once told me - 'you want to feel miserable all the time, that's what you are'. Was she right?

What I have realized is that it shouldn't be about others. If it is, then you are looking the wrong way. You need to look within - what drives you; or what is it that is holding you back. That's the tough part. This process of self-discovery can be a poisonous one - you end up realizing things about yourself which you might find hard to accept. Once you do, that's when the fight starts. The speck of light in an abyss of darkness!

That speck is sometimes enough. It is all that is needed to get over the darkness (In fact that reminds me, the more episodes of 'Supernatural' I have seen this season, I have wondered if there is actually a "Darkness", and just like we say that 'God is everywhere and within every person', shouldn't the same apply to darkness??? OK, I am drifting off-topic, I know!).

So now that I have seen a positive sign, I think the next target is to identify what triggers these swings. I am hoping that's much easier to figure!

The Conflict

I am sure each one of us go through several internal conflicts every single day of our lives. The whole process to decide what action is to be taken. Probably it starts right in the morning, when you open your eyes, and see the rays of the sun filtering in through your windows, and you realize - already? It's already morning? Shall I get up now? Or can I sleep another 5 minutes? I think that's a conflict between your karmic and non-karmic (LAZY!!!) selfs!

It never really stops, does it? I take an auto to office - and every time I am asked for a fare X, I think why shouldn't it be X-10 or X-20, but when I don't find any takers for the price, I end up paying the X fare only. And I still do an encore next day. That's probably my frugal self losing to my practical self every single time!

You are having a bad day in office (every day in office is a bad day, eh?), and your boss decides you are going to be his punching bag for today. Let's be honest - we have all been punching bags from time to time. But just at that moment, that one moment, when after that left and a right and a left jab followed by hooks and punches for all your PPT mistakes, when that dreaded uppercut for missing your deadline finally lands, you want to be able to throw one punch back. Don't you? But all you do is get knocked out! Once again! Why do we just lay back and keep quiet, and still our mind is racing as to what all we should have done - that's another conflict between our short-term instincts and our long-term visions. We know it quite well that in the longer run it would all not matter. Or, we hope it doesn't.

I guess that's what it's to be human, to be rational. To be able to weigh up your options, and then decide which would be the right thing to do. You might not always take up the correct alternative, you might make mistakes, but the ability to decide, the ability to let yourself free or practice restrain, that is what sets up apart.

This post comes after almost 2.5 years. What brings me back to this blog? A special thanks to Mr. Manish Purohit, whose writing and blog managed to rekindle that joy which writing gives. I had kind of forgotten that, so a huge thanks to him.

And why this post? I just went through another of the above discussed phases. I own a OnePlus One, and I always loved its bamboo back cover, which sadly was never launched in India. It has only 2 versions here - the sandstone black and white. But guess what, the back cover is there on Amazon now. So probably I will buy it, but then I love the sandstone back cover as well, it provides amazing grip. That's another dilemma I need to sort out now.

A way of LIFE?

I often get blamed for not trying enough to change my life. For not trying enough to be happy. For them, all I can say is being happy is never the same as looking happy. Maybe even in the past, I never looked happy to the people around me- I always had a pretty serious demeanor. But I did feel happy. In any case, happiness is just a state of mind. Yes, if that happiness gets radiant enough to make everyone around you happy too, then that's a blessing. Unfortunately, I wasn't blessed enough! Not in that sense at least.

Over the last few years, it has become easier to reach that 'state of mind'. When people aren't the solution, you look for answers elsewhere. I guess that's human nature to work out a solution no matter what. So, I have found peace in cricket, in books, TV Series and music. These are stuff which will never really go away, would they? But each one of them is pretty materialistic, and there would be times these things just aren't enough.

There is one such time- the time of hollowness. It feels I have been living there the last few years. How do you come out of a hole that's so deep that no ropes or help can reach? You know to climb out of depths which are far lesser, but this one you have no experience with. You are living. and doing well, but the fact is you know you are miles and miles away from where you need to be. The surface. And it takes you back to the thoughts of the one who pushed you there, who could have lent a hand and pulled you up, but preferred to push you down further and further inside. Do you blame her? May be not. She did what was the best for her. That sadly was the worst for you.

Maybe it really wouldn't matter. With time, I have found peace with this hollowness. And maybe with time, I will back to the surface again. Till then, there is the cricket, and the TV Series. Hope the happiness lasts!

Second Time Around

A friend once told me, "It's easy to fall in love the first time. It's even easier to fall in love a second time. The tough part lies somewhere in between the two!" I know where he is coming from.

Being in love is wonderful. It's beautiful. It's a house of cards. Someday it will come crashing down. Unless you are in a dream, like an Inception. You look at those cards, you repent for a while. Then you start piling them over again. It falls down again, you imagine the house you had earlier. Miss it. Finally, certainly, you do create it again. But it doesn't look the same- does it? But you work with it, nonetheless.

Not that the cards don't talk to you. Some cards just look at you with disdain. They obviously don't like you messing with them consistently. Others don't really care, but still mutter something under their breath- "Move on, dude", "Get a Life", "Suck it up", "Best phase of your life, Enjoy it!", "Ladkiyaan bus ki tarah he, ek jaayegi, agli aayegi". You nod you head. You don't believe it!

There are a few cards, the dominating ones - "Abe Idiot he tu, bhul ja use". Now you certainly don't like yourself being called that. So, you ignore them. And then there's the more loving ones, caring cards- "Abe kamini he wo, bhul ja use". Something you wouldn't like either, if you are still in love.

You wish you had a bloated ego, the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger. So that you actually felt angry. But you can't. You love her, not hate her. So you tell the cards- it's tough to be convinced, when you can neither hate yourself, nor her.. Finally the new house of cards is ready. But the cards look creased, bent.

Of course we move on. That's what life's about. But the baggage stays. It might not be heavy, but it's indispensable. Try and try, but you won't get rid of it! You walk with so much baggage, it just slows you down. You needn't even look back; you already know what's there. That's the tough part I think my friend was talking about.

Sachin and the new Indian Jersey???

Thats what It was :)


That's what it is...
No Wonder Sachin does not look happy :-|

Surprised by the title?? Don't be! There is a direct correlation between the color of the Indian Jersey and Tendulkar's on field performances. And I am gonna prove it! Well this has been a Renaissance for Tendulkar. His performance over the last 2 years has been almost Bradman-like. But wait a minute! Did we say 'last year'? Last year- when India toured New Zealand? Right!!! But that was the time when India changed their jersey to the then-odd-and-now-used-to dark blue one, with Saffron collars and many other colors! But let us not discuss the jersey. We are discussing the God- Sachin Tendulkar.

So here we go, to my favorite part- numbers!

THE 'PRE-JERSEY' YEAR
India played in their new jersey from March 2009. And that jersey lasted till October 2010. (That makes me think it's such a cool way to earn on merchandise)From the period 1st Jan 2008 to 1st March 2009, (that's PRE-JERSEY :)), Sachin's figures look quite ordinary in ODIs, and decent enough in tests. He averages 48.31 over the 13 tests played in this time, with 4 100s and 3 50s. Admittedly, the opponents were Australia, England, SA and SL, so it's a good performance. However, in ODIs, the numbers go down drastically.

Sachin averages a paltry 34.14 over the 15 ODIs in this time; 1 100 and 3 50s. Not a great record at all, and obviously tongues had started wagging about the end of Sachin's era.

But then came the transformation the Little Master needed. The New Indian Cricket Team Jersey. And the numbers sky-rocketed.

THE POST JERSEY
From March 2009 to Nov 2010, Sachin averages a STAGGERING 86.23 over 15 Tests, with (hold your breath!!!) 8 100s and 7 50s. He averages 90 at home and 83 in away tests. The period also accounts for 2 of his double hundreds! So, if 48 earlier was good, Tendulkar almost doubled it in the new-jersey Era. Enough Said! Let's talk ODIs now, which I think is where Sachin has been a pleasure to watch recently.

In the same period (though he hasn't played an ODI since Feb when he scored 200*), he averages another STAGGERING 68.52 over the 21 ODIs, with 4 100+ scores and 3 50s. Once again, he has doubled his average over the previous year!!! Most significant is the fact that 3 of his highest scores have come in this period- 163* against New Zealand, 175 vs Australia and the special 200* vs South Africa. And, I personally regard that 175 as his best innings ever. But that's not the point. The point is- the New Blue Jersey was working its magic on Sachin, and runs were flowing crazily out of his bat!!!!

And then BCCI had a brain freeze, just like always. They decided on this new jersey. Since then, Sachin has played no ODIs, but has played 3 Test Innings- scores of 40, 12 and 13. Well the new jersey's unlucky! And with the World Cup around the corner, the jersey should be thrown out in favor of the old one. Or else, how do you make Sachin score like he has been doing!!!

Well, on a closing note, the article's written in jest, and I just tried putting something that I noticed, and was in my head, into words! With the GOD, it doesn't matter.. BUT, the question is- what if the Old Jersey was 'actually' bringing luck to Sachin??? ;-)

Some more stats...

As on August 10th, 2010...

When will Irfan Pathan be back?
A test batting average of 31.57, Bowling Average of 32.26, after playing most matches on unforgiving Asian pitches. Still Irfan Pathan stays neglected, while Zaheer is the leader of Indian Bowling @average 32.98... Stats don't reveal everything I know, but this does show something..

The Batting Juggernaut rolls on.
Indian Batsmen averages in the last 2 years: Sehwag: 71.1, Sachin: 78.22, Laxman: 80.75, Gambhir 60.87, Dhoni 68.09, Dravid 61.31... Really has to be the Golden period of Indian batting!!!

The wait...

Hmm..I am back, and probably to disappear soon again. Just jot down a poem today in a lecture, so thought of sharing. For those who dislike the "senti" me, your dislike might just grow further!!!

At fault am I, that I let you move in,
That easy for anyone else it had never been.
Rendered clueless with what this mind was thinking;
Or perhaps on some hope this heart was clinging.

A door sealed forever- its key you got,
You chose to enter it,guess you should have not.
There was no exit; and you promised to stay,
after all things always happened your way.

The nights rolled by, things got rosier
with you around, it felt always safer.

But good things seldom last, what a shame!
Just when my life settled, the hurricane came.
Blowing everything apart, it took you away,
and you too moved on, when you could have chosen to stay.

And that key's lost, the door's left ajar,
Waiting for your return, hoping you haven't gone too far...

This Is Going To Hurt Just A Little Bit

My condition reminds me of this Class 9 Poem by Ogden Nash :)

One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hopen.

Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.
It is hard to be self-possessed
With your jaw digging into your chest.

So hard to retain your calm
When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm;

So hard to give your usual effect of cheery benignity
When you know your position is one of the two or three in life most lacking in dignity.

And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on.
And it is all cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn’t a nerve in your head thatyou aren’t being irked on.

Oh, some people are unfortunate enough to be strung up by thumbs.
And others have things done to their gums,
And your teeth are supposed to be being polished,
But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.

And the circumstance that adds most to your terror
Is that it’s all done with a mirror,
Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, only they were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,
But all the same how can you be sure when he takes his crowbar in one hand and mirror in the other he won’t get mixed up, the way you do when you try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forget that left is right and vice versa?

And then at last he says That will be all; but it isn’t because he then coats your mouth from cellar to roof
With something that I suspect is generally used to put a shine on a horse’s hoof.

And you totter to your feet and think. Well it’s all over now and afterall it was only this once.
And he says come back in three monce.

And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest,
That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition
when the chief reason he wants his teeth in good condition
is so that he won’t have to go to the dentist.

Testing Times...

Even with my obvious dislike for emotional outbursts these days, I can't avoid sharing a few sentiments of mine on this blog. So that explains my return here.

I am a bit lost for explanation these days. What else can you expect when your biggest strength becomes your biggest worry? When something you pride yourself on, makes you question yourself every day? Probably, it leads to a lot of self-doubt, which is what I am going through.

I haven't felt this helpless for a very long time. And not a surprise that love causes this. It is something that has made me do things I had thought I would never do. Well, a few good, and the rest bad. I have never ever been forced into this, always been my choice, and now that it hurts, I can't even blame anyone else. That's the tough part of it!!! You are responsible for your own decisions.

All it seems like is, I had the choice of two roads to take a couple of years back, and I chose one of them, and now I have come so far on it, that I can only move ahead... It reminds of the Mario game I played in my younger days, where you entered a wrong tunnel and then you just kept walking on and on. The game kept running and nothing happened, and the only option one had was to restart the game. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with that Restart button, and so I walk on and on.

It is kind of funny. After hundreds and thousands of conversations, lots of advices and pulling just about every thread in my brain, I still stand undecided about the outcomes. Probably,You want to wait, but the wait is made tougher for you. And then when you think the wait is too hard, and think you must move on, you find it is just not possible. Though the person you know has given you so many reasons so that you hate her, but you know she is not the person you had known. The situation and the factors have made her the way you never knew her to be. Now, has she really changed? Or can she still be the one you think her to be? That, as everything else, remains unanswered.

In a world where relationships fail as often as they are made, I can’t even find a precedent where things have went this way, and hence it’s just the more difficult. But then, when you can’t avoid it, then better accept it. And that’s what I am trying to do.

IPL is here to Stay...

Let me set it right. I love the IPL, and I pity those who dislike the idea of it, for they have, and are, missing the infant stages of a league that is going to revolutionize the world. That is, if it already hadn't!! I really don't know what happened when EPL started- I am as aware of its history, as much I am aware of what goes on in a POM-2 class!!! But all I remember is I watched Football in bits and pieces in my younger days- the first match I remember seeing was some JCT Phagwara and Mohammedan Sporting Club Final, almost 12-13 years ago, that went into sudden death and finished 8-7 or something like that. It was a stunning match, and that brought me to the FIFA World Cup. Then came the real stuff- I was awed with that wonder kid- Michael Owen!! Then Zidane happened!! And some more research later, Liverpool came into the sporting equations of mine, and thus my love for EPL was born. I never really pursued it a lot further, partly because I was pissed off with our cable operators not showing ESPN, Star Sports. But I still love the game. A lot like this happened with F1 too, where Kimi Raikkonen was the effect. Mark my words- IPL will do that to kids over the world soon.

It is like seeing a kid grow. I know Lalit Modi went on and on about some life growth models- but what I am talking about is the strides this league has made. Those who have followed it will realize that. Not just the marketing aspect, but a domestic league happening in South Africa- well that's something really I couldn't have imagined. An English Premier League happening elsewhere will generate huge viewership, but that can't be said about every football league in this world. But IPL did it, in its second year(even with those stupid time-outs). You can now see teams getting to gel together better, and as they play more together, I really believe it will get better. In some years, IPL might even be played all round the year, in a format similar to the EPL..

We have already seen countries coming up, and doing well in the next divisions. A very few of you would know that there is even a Division 6, from which Nepal qualified this year. There are more Divisions too, and at least 50 countries play these games. There is a huge mismatch, but then that is there in all sorts of games. Probably, cricket shows up the magnitude of that mismatch because of its nature, but over the shorter periods of this game, you never know what may happen. A guy like Rizwan Cheema, or Davidson, can finish the match on his own. Imagine just one guy like Yusuf Pathan being on the other side - you need to fear that team all the time.

With the game going global, we need more of leagues in order to promote domestic talents, not specifically in India, but elsewhere. IPL might just fill up the purses, but as its examples get followed elsewhere, those countries might just unearth special talents. One I can think of, is Steven Smith, a really good leg-spinner.

One can hate the film stars, one can hate the time-outs. You can be irritated to the helm with those mid over advertisements- but any true cricket lover would accept that you can't hate the IPL. But again, it's my blog, and it's my views. Your views are welcome. :)